Extreme extreme extreme rough draft but....
If you can actually read your way through this lemme know what you think. Should I just stop right here? Oh and ya it might be a bit offensive but the character as it will turn out is a very compassionate and good hearted person.
Chapter 1 (partial)(rough draft)(i.e. LOTS OF GRAMMATICAL AND SYNTACTICAL ERRORS)
"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LOBY!", ya that might have been a little much and I might be out of a job come this Monday but at this point I just don't care. There is only so much bullshit I can take from a dozen prepubescent girls squealing around my lobby. As if the noise wasn't bad enough, so far I've wiped up thee spilt cups of coffee, picked up an ungodly amount of candy wrappers, and reset the furniture more times than I can count. A few moments ago, before my humble utterance, they were practicing gymnastics in the center of the lobby. Enough! It's like I'm a farmer and in my barn there are all these lil piglets pissin the hell out of me. I can't wait until they grow up to slaughter them and if I do now I'll get hauled off to jail. So what's left? Yell at them. One of them stuck their tongue out at me.
"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LOBBY YOU BITCHES!"
That felt good. A little too good. I couldn't help but smile as I saw them scurry away with looks of shock spreading from their snouts. I'm guessing that I have all this pent up frustration and it chose now as the right time to let itself out. I should soak it up while I can because their parents are going to be here any minute yelling at me, expecting their money back. Is it my fault that they have raised the most horrendous herd of piglets this side of the world? Do pigs come in herds? I'll have to look that up when I get home.
Shit, here comes the first one. If you wonder where I get the pig analogy from all you need to do is take a look at the mother. About four hundred pounds of steaming fury headed my way.
Now I don't have anything against heavy people. I use to date a girl that was larger and she was absolutely delightful. But this excuse that they are heavy because of genetics is absolutely crap. It's like me saying that I smoke cigarettes because I'm genetically predisposed to it. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? So then why doesn't it sound stupid for the weight challenged? My ex tried to blame it on genetics. I didn't buy it. I just had to look in the shelves and count off the bottles of Mountain Dew and bags of Doritos. If that wasn't enough I could always open the freezer and count the half eaten pints of Ben and Jerries. On top of that sitting on the couch while indulging in said items isn't going to make for a fit bum and tight tum. So when I hear all the excuses along those lines I don't buy it. Put the fork down, hit the gym, and loose the weight, otherwise stop crying about it and shut up. If you are comfortable being heavy then great, I applaud you, our society puts to much emphasis on appearances anyways. But if you aren't then as I said shut up and do something about it. It's a topic which irks me to no extent but I digress.
She was in search of blood and heading right for me. Thank god I have the front desk between us. Behind her peeking out from the crack of the partly opened pool door stands her precious lil piglet and her companions giggling.
I know I shouldn't do this but at this point there's no turning back. Oh god, I can't believe I'm about to do this. God, If you are up there, I hope you don't take sides with the weight challenged cause I'm gonna fry for this if you do.
"Who do you think you are!" the challenged woman squealed.
"I'm sorry mam, is there a problem?" I responded with a smile. The kind of smile you just want to slap off a front desk clerk when they screw you for top dollar after being in the car for ten hours. Ya, we do it on purpose. Hey we don't have much power so what little we have we have to abuse right ?
"Oh you bet your sorry ass there's a problem. My daughter told me you yelled at them and called them , called them.... bitches"
With a gasp I said "Mam! I would never think of such a thing, which pi.., um which of these beautiful young girls is yours?"
"Carlee!" she wailed, "Come over here"
Carlee trotted over. She was well on her way to becoming her mother. Dressed in a two piece, she was panting by the time she reached the front desk. I couldn't get the two piece out of my mind. Who in their right mind lets their children wear things like that at what, I'd say the girl was no more than twelve, thirteen at the most. I'm willing to bet that if we made it mandatory through out the nation that children under the age of 18 be forced to wear 1940's style swimwear then the rate of teenage pregnancies would drop at least in half. It was sick and I was the one about to be chastised. This woman should be tarred and feathered for promoting indecency.
"Mom?" Carlee asked. Oh she was precious indeed. Those puppy dog eyes and faint hint of sarcasm in her voice. This is what women fought so hard for back in the day. ***FIND NAME OF FAMOUS WOMAN"S SUFFRAGEST", would be rolling over in her grave if she saw this. Equal opportunity it would seem to me would fight for just that, not the lowest common denominator.
"You tell me exactly what this man said to you and the rest of the girls" said momma pig, "Tell me again exactly"
Girls? I didn't see any girls here.
With a smirk on her face Carlee recited what I had said, "He said get out of my fucking lobby you bitches, Mom, what's a bitch?"
What's a bitch my ass. You know damn well what a bitch is, you bitch. Just then the phone rang. Damn. I was just about ready to unleash. I might lose my nerve now. Now is not the time to lose my nerve.
"If you would just hold on for a moment. I'll take care of this discrepancy after I take this call" I said in the most rehearsed friendly way possible. I could tell momma was having a hard time with the word discrepancy. Needless to say, It didn't detract from the steam I noticed rising from her backside as I went to pick up the phone.
I spoke into the phone, "Thank you for calling the Riverside Inn and Suites, where service comes with a smile" Normally I wouldn't have said where service comes with a smile but I figured that the situation warranted it. I was going to drag this out as long as possible.
"Yes man, um, I'm not sure let me check our availability for those dates" I punched a few keys on the keyboard and pulled up the availability chart. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her stare piercing through me. I could feel my arteries starting to clog and the windows were fogging up. There was this odor in the air that permeated the front desk. It was a familiar odor, I just couldn't place it. What was that odor? Oh ya, summer time, driving down highway 14, the smell of fresh manure in the air. Nothing like the smell of pig shit in the summer. I smirked and at that, heard a gasp but didn't look up. I kept typing away. If I was going to go out, I was going to go out in style.
"No there seems to be plenty of room on the eighteenth. How many rooms did you want reserved?... Ah yes, I understand I'll do my best to arrange things to get everyone close together"
Momma tried to say something and I raised my finger to cut her short. No not that finger.
"Oh of course I understand.... Yes of course. We offer a full continental breakfast that includes waffles, muffins, toast, cereal, juice and milk.... Why thank you we do our best to provide for our guests comfort." At that I looked up and gave momma a big smile. She tried to say something again but once again I raised the almighty finger of the front desk.
"Ok now if I can just get your name." I said into the phone.
You get the picture. Five more minutes and I think I would have heard the sound of sizzling bacon. She was hoppin mad. I hung up, looked up, and offered up my warmest smile.
"I apologize for that. The phone always seems to ring at the most inconvenient of times. Now, where were we?", I asked.
"I'll tell you were we were! You were about to apologize to my daughter and give us our money back." she said. I don't think she was very happy.
"I see that there seems to be some kind of problem. Perhaps if you tell me about the nature of the problem we can remedy it." I said
Ya, she wasn't getting any happier, she was fuming. I was doing my best to keep my smile from turning into a grin. Ok, it was more along the lines of not busting out laughing. As long as I was in this deep I might as well keep going. Besides people now a'days have lost all forms of civility. They let their kids run around however they like. They think they can complain themselves into free shit and for once I decided to take the Hollywood way out. I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I was making a stand for all the desk clerks out there. Those who were to scared to do anything but flick off the customer under the desk as they walked away. For the desk clerks who take abuse day in and day out for problems they had nothing to do with. For the desk clerks who have become nothing other than glorified slaves pandering to these ungrateful bastards day in and day out without even the slightest of hint of gratitude. No one these days is willing to speak out for what's right. Well fuck it! I was, even if it meant my job. I just didn't know it would land me in the hospital.
By now I thought the lady was going to have an aneurysm. I couldn't make sense of what she was saying. It was coming out in a gargle of gobly gook. Finally I cut her off and said "Perhaps if we calm down we can get to the bottom of this and I can sort things out for you and your little piglets, you sow"
Apparently this isn't what she wanted to hear. The ground shook as she launched herself over the front desk. That's right, launched, airborne, a pig with wings. I think if Newton was here to witness this feat of physics he would have reworked his entire theory because it would have been physically impossible to match this action with any reaction. Her daughter shrieked, turned white and fell ass backwards in to the recliner. Thank god the recliner was there, I really didn't want to spend the next three weeks in court being sued but I think the hotel's going to need a new recliner. Perhaps we can bill it to momma here. I'll say one thing, however; the therapists in this world owe me big time because after witnessing her mother hurtle the desk, this girl is in for life.
Before I could say pigs in a blanket she was standing in front of me, her steamy broccoli flavored breath raising up to meet my eyes. God did they sting. I could barely see through the protective tears which were forming. God I'm going to go blind, I thought but I could see well enough to notice a flash of flesh come rippling towards my head. I ducked and felt the weight of the world go passing over my head. The next thing I knew she had my shirt collar in her grubby hoof and was winding up for another swing. Ok, I have to time this right. With that much weight behind it, the inertia alone would pop my head off. Here it came and down I ducked and down I went.
The last thing I remembered was seeing her hoof go flying over my head as the rippling underfat smacked me in the forehead. I was out cold.
Chapter 1 (partial)(rough draft)(i.e. LOTS OF GRAMMATICAL AND SYNTACTICAL ERRORS)
"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LOBY!", ya that might have been a little much and I might be out of a job come this Monday but at this point I just don't care. There is only so much bullshit I can take from a dozen prepubescent girls squealing around my lobby. As if the noise wasn't bad enough, so far I've wiped up thee spilt cups of coffee, picked up an ungodly amount of candy wrappers, and reset the furniture more times than I can count. A few moments ago, before my humble utterance, they were practicing gymnastics in the center of the lobby. Enough! It's like I'm a farmer and in my barn there are all these lil piglets pissin the hell out of me. I can't wait until they grow up to slaughter them and if I do now I'll get hauled off to jail. So what's left? Yell at them. One of them stuck their tongue out at me.
"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LOBBY YOU BITCHES!"
That felt good. A little too good. I couldn't help but smile as I saw them scurry away with looks of shock spreading from their snouts. I'm guessing that I have all this pent up frustration and it chose now as the right time to let itself out. I should soak it up while I can because their parents are going to be here any minute yelling at me, expecting their money back. Is it my fault that they have raised the most horrendous herd of piglets this side of the world? Do pigs come in herds? I'll have to look that up when I get home.
Shit, here comes the first one. If you wonder where I get the pig analogy from all you need to do is take a look at the mother. About four hundred pounds of steaming fury headed my way.
Now I don't have anything against heavy people. I use to date a girl that was larger and she was absolutely delightful. But this excuse that they are heavy because of genetics is absolutely crap. It's like me saying that I smoke cigarettes because I'm genetically predisposed to it. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? So then why doesn't it sound stupid for the weight challenged? My ex tried to blame it on genetics. I didn't buy it. I just had to look in the shelves and count off the bottles of Mountain Dew and bags of Doritos. If that wasn't enough I could always open the freezer and count the half eaten pints of Ben and Jerries. On top of that sitting on the couch while indulging in said items isn't going to make for a fit bum and tight tum. So when I hear all the excuses along those lines I don't buy it. Put the fork down, hit the gym, and loose the weight, otherwise stop crying about it and shut up. If you are comfortable being heavy then great, I applaud you, our society puts to much emphasis on appearances anyways. But if you aren't then as I said shut up and do something about it. It's a topic which irks me to no extent but I digress.
She was in search of blood and heading right for me. Thank god I have the front desk between us. Behind her peeking out from the crack of the partly opened pool door stands her precious lil piglet and her companions giggling.
I know I shouldn't do this but at this point there's no turning back. Oh god, I can't believe I'm about to do this. God, If you are up there, I hope you don't take sides with the weight challenged cause I'm gonna fry for this if you do.
"Who do you think you are!" the challenged woman squealed.
"I'm sorry mam, is there a problem?" I responded with a smile. The kind of smile you just want to slap off a front desk clerk when they screw you for top dollar after being in the car for ten hours. Ya, we do it on purpose. Hey we don't have much power so what little we have we have to abuse right ?
"Oh you bet your sorry ass there's a problem. My daughter told me you yelled at them and called them , called them.... bitches"
With a gasp I said "Mam! I would never think of such a thing, which pi.., um which of these beautiful young girls is yours?"
"Carlee!" she wailed, "Come over here"
Carlee trotted over. She was well on her way to becoming her mother. Dressed in a two piece, she was panting by the time she reached the front desk. I couldn't get the two piece out of my mind. Who in their right mind lets their children wear things like that at what, I'd say the girl was no more than twelve, thirteen at the most. I'm willing to bet that if we made it mandatory through out the nation that children under the age of 18 be forced to wear 1940's style swimwear then the rate of teenage pregnancies would drop at least in half. It was sick and I was the one about to be chastised. This woman should be tarred and feathered for promoting indecency.
"Mom?" Carlee asked. Oh she was precious indeed. Those puppy dog eyes and faint hint of sarcasm in her voice. This is what women fought so hard for back in the day. ***FIND NAME OF FAMOUS WOMAN"S SUFFRAGEST", would be rolling over in her grave if she saw this. Equal opportunity it would seem to me would fight for just that, not the lowest common denominator.
"You tell me exactly what this man said to you and the rest of the girls" said momma pig, "Tell me again exactly"
Girls? I didn't see any girls here.
With a smirk on her face Carlee recited what I had said, "He said get out of my fucking lobby you bitches, Mom, what's a bitch?"
What's a bitch my ass. You know damn well what a bitch is, you bitch. Just then the phone rang. Damn. I was just about ready to unleash. I might lose my nerve now. Now is not the time to lose my nerve.
"If you would just hold on for a moment. I'll take care of this discrepancy after I take this call" I said in the most rehearsed friendly way possible. I could tell momma was having a hard time with the word discrepancy. Needless to say, It didn't detract from the steam I noticed rising from her backside as I went to pick up the phone.
I spoke into the phone, "Thank you for calling the Riverside Inn and Suites, where service comes with a smile" Normally I wouldn't have said where service comes with a smile but I figured that the situation warranted it. I was going to drag this out as long as possible.
"Yes man, um, I'm not sure let me check our availability for those dates" I punched a few keys on the keyboard and pulled up the availability chart. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her stare piercing through me. I could feel my arteries starting to clog and the windows were fogging up. There was this odor in the air that permeated the front desk. It was a familiar odor, I just couldn't place it. What was that odor? Oh ya, summer time, driving down highway 14, the smell of fresh manure in the air. Nothing like the smell of pig shit in the summer. I smirked and at that, heard a gasp but didn't look up. I kept typing away. If I was going to go out, I was going to go out in style.
"No there seems to be plenty of room on the eighteenth. How many rooms did you want reserved?... Ah yes, I understand I'll do my best to arrange things to get everyone close together"
Momma tried to say something and I raised my finger to cut her short. No not that finger.
"Oh of course I understand.... Yes of course. We offer a full continental breakfast that includes waffles, muffins, toast, cereal, juice and milk.... Why thank you we do our best to provide for our guests comfort." At that I looked up and gave momma a big smile. She tried to say something again but once again I raised the almighty finger of the front desk.
"Ok now if I can just get your name." I said into the phone.
You get the picture. Five more minutes and I think I would have heard the sound of sizzling bacon. She was hoppin mad. I hung up, looked up, and offered up my warmest smile.
"I apologize for that. The phone always seems to ring at the most inconvenient of times. Now, where were we?", I asked.
"I'll tell you were we were! You were about to apologize to my daughter and give us our money back." she said. I don't think she was very happy.
"I see that there seems to be some kind of problem. Perhaps if you tell me about the nature of the problem we can remedy it." I said
Ya, she wasn't getting any happier, she was fuming. I was doing my best to keep my smile from turning into a grin. Ok, it was more along the lines of not busting out laughing. As long as I was in this deep I might as well keep going. Besides people now a'days have lost all forms of civility. They let their kids run around however they like. They think they can complain themselves into free shit and for once I decided to take the Hollywood way out. I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I was making a stand for all the desk clerks out there. Those who were to scared to do anything but flick off the customer under the desk as they walked away. For the desk clerks who take abuse day in and day out for problems they had nothing to do with. For the desk clerks who have become nothing other than glorified slaves pandering to these ungrateful bastards day in and day out without even the slightest of hint of gratitude. No one these days is willing to speak out for what's right. Well fuck it! I was, even if it meant my job. I just didn't know it would land me in the hospital.
By now I thought the lady was going to have an aneurysm. I couldn't make sense of what she was saying. It was coming out in a gargle of gobly gook. Finally I cut her off and said "Perhaps if we calm down we can get to the bottom of this and I can sort things out for you and your little piglets, you sow"
Apparently this isn't what she wanted to hear. The ground shook as she launched herself over the front desk. That's right, launched, airborne, a pig with wings. I think if Newton was here to witness this feat of physics he would have reworked his entire theory because it would have been physically impossible to match this action with any reaction. Her daughter shrieked, turned white and fell ass backwards in to the recliner. Thank god the recliner was there, I really didn't want to spend the next three weeks in court being sued but I think the hotel's going to need a new recliner. Perhaps we can bill it to momma here. I'll say one thing, however; the therapists in this world owe me big time because after witnessing her mother hurtle the desk, this girl is in for life.
Before I could say pigs in a blanket she was standing in front of me, her steamy broccoli flavored breath raising up to meet my eyes. God did they sting. I could barely see through the protective tears which were forming. God I'm going to go blind, I thought but I could see well enough to notice a flash of flesh come rippling towards my head. I ducked and felt the weight of the world go passing over my head. The next thing I knew she had my shirt collar in her grubby hoof and was winding up for another swing. Ok, I have to time this right. With that much weight behind it, the inertia alone would pop my head off. Here it came and down I ducked and down I went.
The last thing I remembered was seeing her hoof go flying over my head as the rippling underfat smacked me in the forehead. I was out cold.
posted by Solace at 1:59 PM
1 Comments:
Hey thanks for the comment. I understand some of the things might not settle well with people but I try to keep it as real as possible. However, I am going to go tone some of the things in the story down. Thanks again, I appreciate all comments both positive and negative.
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