posted by Solace at 12:58 AM
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posted by Solace at 10:24 AM
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"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LOBBY!” Ya, that might have been a little much. I’m probably out of a job come this Monday, but at this point I just don't care. There is only so much bullshit I can take from a dozen prepubescent girls squealing around my lobby. As if the noise isn't bad enough, so far I've wiped up thee cans of pop, picked up an ungodly number of candy wrappers, and reset the furniture more times than I can count.
A few moments ago, before my humble utterance, they were practicing gymnastics in the center of the lobby. Enough! It's like I'm a farmer and in my barn there are all these lil piglets pissin the hell out of me. I can't wait until they grow up so I can bring them to slaughter and if I do it now I'll get hauled off to jail. So what's left? Yell at them. One of them stuck her tongue out at me.
"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LOBBY YOU BITCHES!"
That felt good. A little too good. I can't help but smile as I watch them scurry away with looks of shock spreading from their snouts. I'm guessing that I have all this pent up frustration and it chose now as the right time to let itself out. I should soak it up while I can, because their parents are going to be here any minute yelling at me, expecting their money back. Is it my fault that they have raised the most horrendous herd of piglets this side of the world? Do pigs come in herds? I'll have to look that up when I get home.
Shit, here comes the first one.
If you wonder where I get the pig analogy from, all you need to do is take a look at the mother. About four hundred pounds of steaming fury headed my way.
Now I don't have anything against heavy people. I use to date a girl that was larger and she was absolutely delightful. But the excuse that they are heavy because of genetics is absolutely crap. It's like me saying that I smoke cigarettes because I'm genetically predisposed to it. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? So then why doesn't it sound stupid for the weight challenged? My ex tried to blame it on genetics. I don't buy it. I just had to look in her cupboard and count the bottles of Mountain Dew and bags of Doritos. If that wasn't enough, I could always open the freezer and find the half eaten pints of Ben and Jerry's. On top of that, sitting on the couch while indulging in said items isn't going to make for a fit bum and tight tum.
So when I hear all the excuses along these lines, I don't buy them. Put the fork down, hit the gym, and loose the weight, otherwise stop crying about it and shut up. If you are comfortable being heavy, then great, I applaud you. O
Momma pig is in search of blood and heading right for me. Thank god I have the front desk between us. Behind her peeking out from the crack of the partly opened pool door stands her precious lil piglet and her giggling companions.
I know I shouldn't do this but at this point there's no turning back. Oh god, I can't believe I'm about to do this. God, If you are up there, I hope you don't take sides with the weight challenged, cause I'm gonna fry for this if you do.
"Who do you think you are?" the challenged woman squealed.
"I'm sorry Mam. Is there a problem?" I responded with a smile. The kind of smile you just want to slap off the face of the front desk clerk when he screws you for top dollar after you’ve been driving for ten hours. Ya, we do it on purpose. Hey, we don't have much power so what little we have, we have to abuse, right?
"Oh you bet your sorry ass there's a problem. My daughter told me you yelled at them and called them, called them.... bitches."
With a gasp I said, "Mam! I would never think of such a thing, which pi.., um which of these beautiful young girls is yours?"
"Carlee!" she wailed, "Come over here"
Carlee trotted over. She was well on her way to becoming her mother. Dressed in a two piece, she was panting by the time she reached the front desk. I couldn't get the two piece out of my mind. Who in their right mind would let their children wear things like that and at what age? I'd say the girl was no more than twelve, thirteen at the most. I'm willing to bet that if we made it mandatory through out the nation that children under the age of 18 be forced to wear 1940's style swimwear that the rate of teenage pregnancies would drop at least in half. It was sick, and I was the one about to be chastised. This woman should be tarred and feathered for promoting indecency.
"Mom?" Carlee asked. Oh she was precious indeed. Those puppy dog eyes and the faint hint of sarcasm in her voice.
"You tell me exactly what this man said to you and the rest of the girls" said momma pig, "Tell me again exactly."
Girls? I didn't see any girls here.
With a smirk on her face, Carlee recited what I had said, "He said get out of my fucking lobby you bitches. Mom, what's a bitch?"
What's a bitch my ass. You know damn well what a bitch is, you bitch. Just then the phone rang. Damn. I was just about ready to unleash. I might lose my nerve now. Now is not the time to lose my nerve.
"If you would just hold on for a moment, I'll take care of this discrepancy after I take this call." I said this in the most rehearsed friendly way possible. I could tell Momma was having a hard time with the word discrepancy. Needless to say, It didn't detract from the steam I noticed rising from her backside as I went to pick up the phone.
I spoke into the phone, "Thank you for calling the Riverside Inn and Suites, where service comes with a smile." Normally I wouldn't have said where service comes with a smile, but I figured that the situation warranted it. I was going to drag this call out as long as possible.
"Yes mam, um, I'm not sure let me check our availability for those dates." I punched a few keys on the keyboard and pulled up the availability chart. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the sow’s stare piercing through me. I could feel my arteries starting to clog and the windows were fogging up. There was this odor in the air that permeated the front desk. It was a familiar odor. I just couldn't place it. What was that odor? Oh ya, summer time, driving down highway 14, the smell of fresh manure in the air. Nothing like the smell of pig shit in the summer. I smirked and at that, heard a gasp but I didn't look up. I kept typing away. If I was going to go out, I was going to go out in style.
"No there seems to be plenty of room on the eighteenth. How many rooms did you want reserved?... Ah yes, I understand I'll do my best to arrange things to get everyone close together."
Momma tried to say something and I raised my finger to cut her short. No not that finger. "Oh of course I understand.... Yes of course. We offer a full continental breakfast that includes waffles, muffins, toast, cereal, juice and milk.... Why thank you. We do our best to provide for our guest’s comfort." With that I looked up and gave momma a big smile. She tried to say something, but I raised the almighty ‘just a moment’ finger of the front desk clerk.
"Okay, now if I can just get your name?" I said into the phone.
You get the picture. Five more minutes and I think I would have heard the sound of sizzling bacon. She was hoppin mad. I hung up, looked up, and offered up my warmest smile.
"I apologize for that. The phone always seems to ring at the most inconvenient of times. Now, where were we?"
"I'll tell you where we were! You were about to apologize to my daughter and give us our money back." I don't think she was very happy.
"I see that there seems to be some kind of problem. Perhaps if you tell me about the nature of the problem, we can remedy it."
Ya, she wasn't getting any happier. She was fuming and I was doing my best to keep my smile from turning into a shit-eating grin. Okay, it was more along the lines of not busting out laughing. As long as I was in this deep, I figured I might as well keep going.
Besides, people now a'days have lost all forms of civility. They let their kids run around how ever they like. They think they can complain themselves into free shit and for once I decided to take the
By now I thought the lady was going to have an aneurysm. I couldn't make sense of what she was saying. It was coming out in a gargle of gobly gook. Finally I cut her off and said, "Perhaps if we calm down, we can get to the bottom of this and I can sort things out for you and your little piglets, you sow."
Apparently this isn't what she wanted to hear. The ground shook as she launched herself over the front desk. That's right, launched, airborne, a pig with wings. I think if
Before I could say pigs in a blanket, she was standing in front of me, her steamy broccoli flavored breath raising up to meet my eyes. God did they sting. I could barely see through the protective tears which were forming. God, I'm going to go blind, I thought. But I could see well enough to notice a flash of flesh come rippling towards my head. I ducked and felt the weight of the world go passing over my head. The next thing I knew she had my shirt collar in her grubby hoof and was winding up for another swing. Okay, I have to time this right. With that much weight behind it, the inertia alone would pop my head off. Here it came and down I ducked and down I went.
The last thing I remembered was seeing her hoof go flying over my head as the rippling underfat smacked me in the forehead
************************************************************************
“Pull up a chair, we have room for one more.”
I looked around to see where the words were coming from. I was in a small room with a card table in the center. Around the table were three people. Well, two people and a giant bird. I must be dreaming I thought.
“No you’re not dreaming. Come on sit down” Said the Indian. I think he was Indian, but he had six arms and was wearing a loin cloth. Weird, very weird indeed. Next to him was another Indian, but he only had two arms. His belly would have indicated that he should have been the one with six. Fat and bald, he had absolutely no expression on his face what so ever. He just nodded to an empty seat. Across from the two of them was the bird. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bird that size before. It was as big as a full grown man. I could see why the two were sitting across from him. The bird just weirded me out.
“I’m not a bird” It spoke! Holy shit this is weird indeed. The hell it isn’t a dream.
“And no this isn’t a dream” and they can read my mind. Okay, how do I get out of here?
“You can’t. Not until we are done playing. The games Texas Hold Em. Deuces are wild. Now sit down.”
Not wanting to argue with a giant bird, I sat, next to the bald guy. There were two more chairs with chips in front of them; I couldn’t wait to see who was going to occupy them.
“As he already said, he’s not a bird. He’s an angel. Michael to be exact. You do know the name don’t you? I hope you stayed awake in Sunday school long enough to remember it. The two other chair spots are for Jesus and Mohammad. Jesus is out on a beer run and Mohammad decided to go see if he could score some weed” said six arms.
“Perhaps as the eternal river runs, we should introduce ourselves to the young man” said baldy.
“You know I can never understand a damn word you’re saying Bubba” said Michael.
“No kidding, and you didn’t have to grow up with him” added, six arms.
“Ahh but a stone unturned, is a stone unearthed” said Bubba.
“Riiiight, but that is a good idea. Let’s have ourselves a formal introduction. Jesus is going to be awhile anyways. Lucifer was having some problems in his brewery. I think Adolph was picking on the imps again, calling them inferior to the rest of the demons and even if Mohammad scores some weed I doubt he’ll be able to hold off smoking it until he gets here so he’ll take forever. So without further a do, I am Shiva” said Shiva, followed by “THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION” in a voice only to be matched by a James Earl Jones voice over. “Sorry I love doing that. You should have seen how the villagers use to scurry back in the day when I did that.” Shiva let out a little giggle and continued, “This here is Buddha but we all call him Bubba. Don’t try to make sense of what he says. He’ll say something just so the people down there can spend eons analyzing what he said, trying to pull meaning out of it. It’s cruel, but damn funny if you ask me. Although I do have to say you humans can be pretty damn creative trying to make sense of his gibberish. Okay, birdy over there”
Michael shot him a quick glare. “You know I use to be lead choir singer for the big man upstairs. I don’t need this abuse” said Michael.
“I know such a pretty songbird you are too” winked Shiva, “Anyways he’s the Angel Michael and you are Mr. Anderson. You hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound if inevitability! Sorry, I just loved that movie. I bet you get that a lot don’t you. Would you rather we call you Neo?”
“No John will be just fine” I said. I didn’t have it in me to add the sarcasm that usually came with that. This was just too much.
“So let me get this straight. You, you’re Shiva, god of destruction for a billion plus Indians. You are Buddha, for lack of a better word, god for another couple billion people, and you…” pointing at Michael, “who apparently isn’t a bird, is Michael the arch angel. Two gods and a bird. Sorry, angel. I don’t get it. Anyways, and now we are waiting on the other two gods who represent roughly the rest of the population on earth. I don’t get it, and I don’t buy it.” I said, “Polly wanna cracker” I asked Michael.
“The rolling stone gathers no moss” said Bubba.
“Oh, shut up. Does he do that all the time?” I asked.
“I’m afraid so,” said Shiva. “And I think you hurt Michael’s feelings. Here Michael have a cracker. You know it doesn’t really matter if you don’t buy it and you will eventually get it, but as long as you’re here why don’t you just pretend.”
“No, I want out, and I want out now” I said
“Go ahead, leave” said Shiva.
I looked around. Wonderful, no doors. And then I stopped. Why was I getting all up in a huff? This could be fun. It’s not everyday one hallucinates about meeting Shiva, Buddha and Michael. I wonder if Jesus and Mohammad will actually show up. Hell, let’s have fun with this.
“Now that’s the spirit” I looked around. It didn’t recognize the voice.
“Hey J.C. took you long enough” said Bubba.
Oh so he can actually be coherent. Bubba winked at me as Jesus replied, “Sorry, had to shove a lightning bolt up Hitler’s ass. He just doesn’t get it. I’m thinkin he’ll be workin in the brew house for another two hundred years or so. That is if he isn’t transferred to changing out the papers in the angel house. He’s skating on thin ice. Dad doesn’t like to be kept waiting when it comes to his Guinness. Speaking of which, he said we could hit earth next week and go to
“Nice!” said Shiva “I love
“Mmmmm pronto pups” said Bubba, letting a lil drool slip out the corner of his mouth.
“Ya, this time I say we hit
“What? It’s been two thousand years. You still off the wine?” asked Bubba.
“Hey you get nailed to a cross, and see what kind of hangover you wake up with” said Jesus.
“No thanks. I prefer to just slip into Nirvana” said Bubba. “The bird when flown spots the worm when grown.”
“Knock it off. You know, I get nailed to that cross to save humanity and look what it’s done since then. God dammit It just irks the hell out of
“Woah, watch it J.C. last time you said God dammit we lost the entire flock of Dodos. Hey hey hey, come on. Lets not start up with that. It was a rotten deal. We all know it but we have cards to play” said Shiva. He winked at Jesus and gave me a quick glance.
“Ya you’re right, besides beer’s better. I gotta figure out a way to get them down there to switch out the wine for beer down there in church” said Jesus. “Is Mohammad here yet?” he asked.
“Nope” said Shiva.
“Weed?” asked Jesus.
“Yup” said Bubba.
“Oh boy” said Jesus,” Michael, why are you so quiet?”
“Johnny there called him a bird” said Shiva.
“Oh” said Jesus.
“I’m not a bird dammit” said Michael.
“Of course not Michael” said Jesus and then to me “He’s a bit sensitive when it comes to that. Be nice to him. He’s a handy guy to have around.”
I just sat there, listening, wondering when I was going to wake up.
This is an excerpt from a much longer story. What happens after is that Mohammad shows up and the party plays cards. During the game it’s comes to light that the main character has a task to perform. What I’m not sure yet I haven’t gotten to that point in the story yet. He’s not too happy about it and the struggle between him trying to do his own thing while being prodded by the gods should make for some good humor. When he comes to, he finds out he’s been in a coma for a month. He’s jobless and since he’s been out of school for a month that’s shot too. Since he has nothing to lose he decides to head out, leaving everything behind. He leaves town on foot and begins walking down the highway. Along the way he runs across an Indian girl who decides to join him on his journey. By the end of the story he has made all sorts of philosophical and societal realizations. He’s accomplished the task that was set aside for him and has died. The last scene is him back in the poker room playing cards with the rest of the deities.
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