Moment of Doubt

Ok, So I read some poems by Nicole Blackman and I am just riveted when I read them. I think to myself wow, I'll never be able to grab someones brain and twist it around like that. But I will keep working towards that goal.

This has been my moment of doubt.

Longest Time

For the longest time
I couldn't go back
to the places we shared
to the places we loved

It filled me with fear
It filled me with shame
It filled me with hate
It filled me with blame

For the longest time
I hated you
for telling me to leave
and not telling me to stay

Then one day
my eyes opened up
and saw the hate
for what it was

I hated myself
for making you let go
when I couldn't fight
to do what was right.

....

-Solace

unfinished

Dear T, -draft 2

Fuck and run
I'm your cheap blow-up doll
Inflate me and love me
when no ones around
Hide me in the closet
when your friends are in town
deflate me when he's around
I'm your pinnochio
with strings
make me dance
A scared little boy
wooden smile
masks a frown
to close to your fire
up like a flash
to be used only once
warm embers
dieing slowly
reduced to ash
swept into your powder case
a flawless face
which was never yours

Angel of Pain

I continue to sit here
with the ANGEL of PAIN
So sweet is her TORMENT
I can't pull away

It's the FEAR
and the SHAME
that provides the cement
that holds me from going ASTRAY

Mixed with LONLEYness
it festers with such disdain
DISDAIN which hardens without relent
will eventually SEAL me AwAY

-Solace

thoughts

Tick Tick Tick Tick toc
goes the clock
pounding in my head
as I lie restless in bed

thinking thinking thinking

thoughts which have no end
lost in a world of pretend
the cat scratching at the door
anchoring me to the floor

looking for some blood to drain
but it was washed away last night in the rain
so pale I'm invisible where I stand
on this cracked land

surrounded by burnt flakes of skin
floating around me in a whirlwind of sin
is there any hope for heaven
when God's just stoked the oven?

Tick Tick Tick Tick toc
goes the clock
pounding in my head
as I lie restless in my bed

thinking thinking thinking

-Solace

Thunderheads

Thunderheads rolling in
denying the clear blue
flashes streaking through
illuminating the truth within

I gather up the raindrops
to save for a rainy day
but with the current sweaping us away
what's a raindrop suppose to stop?

It's been to long since the sun's made itself known
It's been gone for forever and a day
and the beauty of the world has turned to shades of gray
reflecting ashen faces, marching towards their tomb

never in step, but still in line
something up high catches my eye
shimmering, glimmering, falling from the sky
I stop, look up, step out of line

Splashing blinding, it hits my eye
cleansing, showering, washing me
it's set me completely free
to witness the colors passing by

I let my raindrops run free
to wash everything away
even the shades of gray
give way to the colors surrounding me

I keep a few raindrops just for that rainy day
when the thunderheads roll in
but no more is there fear within
just the anticipation of a brand new day

-Solace

(work in progress)

***note***take out tiny sized words?***

2nd Grade

so cold
so alone
deep inside my head

so bold
crack the bone
I think I might have bled

never told
never shown
raped me in his bed

so cold
so alone
filled me with empty dread

so cold
so alone
such trust, now dead

so cold
so alone
only safe inside my head

so cold, so cold, so cold
I'll always be alone....

-Solace

Cigarettes and a Phone

I pick up the phone and dial your number
Why?
I don't know
There's no reason

It must be habitual
like reaching for a cigarette
I know I'll regret
But I reach for it anyway
and push the numbers on my phone

You pick up
I inhale
We talk
I exhale
We hang up
I flick the cigarette away

The same bad taste lingers in my mouth
But only for a little while
Until it fades away
Letting addiction pick up
Where habit left off

-Solace

Wannabe

Just a wannabe
trying to be free
wanna be inspired
sick of being tired
so I take my drugs
but there aren't enough plugs
to fill the last hole
so out seeps the soul
that I try so hard to hide
scared to confide
in you
so you flew
away
to someone who wouldn't stray
from path to path
he makes you laugh
so you can forget about me
who's just a wannabe
crawling around
on the ground
a slug
searching for a drug
to get wired
to be inspired
to fill what I lack
to get back on track
to get you back
but it slams me to the rack
exposing what I am
a complete sham
the answer's so clear
but I'm blinded by the fear
of losing what I've already lost
and at what cost
does it have to be
that I'll finally see
I have to be me
not a wannabe

-Solace

Pleasure and Pain

pleasure and pain are two coexisting notions one cannot exist without the other some feel pleasure in the presense of pain while others feel pain in the presense of pleasure without pain there can be no pleasure without pleasure there can be no pain it is the essense of what drives our actions our concience our soul choose what you will I choose ....

sin

feel the sensual bliss
lips across your skin
fingers brush your lips
eyes staring deep within

eyes to eyes
fingers to fingers
gentle whispers
of such sweet lies

lips to lips
skin on skin
the curve of your hips
such heavenly sin

-solace

Waste

Troubled times surround the young and the old
what's happening now, fails to take hold

Caught up in the future or trapped in the past
they forget that life, passes too fast

In the blink of an eye they're at the end
and it's to late to make amends

So plan for the future and learn from the past
but live for the moment and it won't be surpassed

-Solace

Reckoning

The hour approaches
when the reckoning must occur
The heart shatters
and the lonliness is pure

A new era is born
filled with unanticipated prospects
A heart once torn
mended by time's fabled antics

Still a piece left behind
holds memories so bold
to remember and remind
me of the great loves of old

-Solace

Confusion

Confusion
twisting around
the one true path

Confusion
clouding over
the guiding light

Confusion
withering away
the clarity of mind

Confusion
tearing apart
the steadfast heart

-Solace

My Writing

This is where I'm going to be posting all my writings. Poems, shortstory, what not.